


The Journal of Danny Williams

by RandoFando_Spoonie



Series: The Journals of... [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Danny has to keep a journal as part of therapy, Diary/Journal, Gen, companion fic, dear diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24911332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandoFando_Spoonie/pseuds/RandoFando_Spoonie
Summary: Companion piece to Who Says You Can't Go Home? Nine months after Steve left Hawaii Danny has a breakdown, as part of his recovery his therapist suggests Danny keep a journal. The following are a glimpse into that journal.ON HIATUS
Series: The Journals of... [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1802611
Comments: 18
Kudos: 30





	1. Day 1 - 8pm

**Author's Note:**

> Writing Steve's first journal entry in Who Says You Can't Go Home, and Danny's comment about writing his own inspired Muse to produce this. Yes Steve's journal will be coming too, pages and the like that aren't shown in the story, to help show the passage of time and Steve's journey, but this one is about Danny, showing his own journey, the progress and setbacks he had while finally dealing with Steve leaving and not coming back for so long.
> 
> ON HIATUS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks after Danny's break down he's released from the hospital, he's told to journal as part of his therapy. This is his first entry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Assuming the finale follows "real time" we can assume the events of the finale wrap up on Apr 3rd when the episode airs, that puts Danny's break down around New Year's 2021, after two weeks in the hospital it'd be around Mid-January.

_**The Journal of Danny Williams: Day 1 - 8pm** _

_**Dear Diary... what am I a teenage girl? How do I even start this? Steve's been gone nine and a half months and I'm starting to realize that maybe, despite his promise, despite my wishing and praying every night, he's not coming back. That he lied to me, the asshole. Steve's never lied to me, no that's not true. He's kept things from me, lied to me even it try and protect me. Maybe that's what that was that day on the beach. When he said he loved me, that he'd be back, he was just trying to protect me. Or maybe more protect himself. If he'd told me he wasn't coming back I'm not sure what would have happened, it wouldn't have been pretty.** _

_**I owe Linc an apology. Maybe once I'm feeling a bit stronger. I can hear Grace inside, I think she's doing the dinner dishes. She shouldn't be here. She shouldn't need to be here. Not really. And Charlie, my sweet boy, I haven't seen him in nearly a month, Rachel kept changing stuff and then I was in the hospital. I'll have to call her soon, see if he can come over, even just for a short visit. I miss him. He must miss me, he must be so confused.** _

Danny sat back and looked at what he'd written, he sighed and put pen to paper again.

_**I still miss Steve, his absence feels like a raw wound... his betrayal, because what else is it at this point, aches. For the last ten years Steve and I have always been there for each other, we've gone to the ends of the earth for each other, sometimes literally. Rachel always thought our friendship was unhealthy, and I hate to admit it but now, I think maybe she was right. And isn't that a kick in the balls.** _

_**I don't know how to get over Steve McGarrett, from the moment he walked into my life, or rather I walked into his, I've been swept along, often times feeling like it was against my will, but really, I likely could have stopped anytime I wanted. I craved the thrill, the rush, even if I couldn't admit it at the time. And now it's gone. Along with him. It's like he's taken part of me with him, a part I don't know if I'll ever get back. Will it always ache? I don't know. I can still feel it, sort of, or maybe I feel the absence of it more than I actually feel it there. It's like a ghost, a missing tooth, felt all the more because you know it's not there, the gap draws your tongue to the space to rub over it, remember what it was like when the gap wasn't there. You get used to it eventually but it's still gone.** _

_**I don't know how or why this is supposed to help but Dr Sylvan says I need to do it, at least once a day, more if I feel the need. Take it everywhere, bring it to my sessions with her. I'll be seeing her twice a week to start. Mondays and Thursdays. Steve and I used to see her together, the Governor made us. I thought it was working, the “couples therapy”, whatever, even that ridiculous retreat Steve got us booked in, he really should have read the literature better. But that's Steve, barreling in head first without making sure he understands or knows everything. God I miss him.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to follow me on Tumblr: RandoFando-Spoonie
> 
> As always kudos and comments aren't necessary but very appreciated!


	2. Day 4 - 7pm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danny's been journaling for 3 days, he's had his second appointment with his therapist, let's take a peek at how things are going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad people are liking these stories, fingers crossed Danny keeps being in the mood to share.

_**Day 4 – 7pm** _

_**I've been doing this for three days now and I have no idea if it's helping or not. It feel ridiculous, writing my thoughts down like some high school cheerleader as if it'll make this...better somehow. Nothing is going to make this better. Not really.** _

_**I saw Doctor Sylvan again today, she's pleased with my progress, or says she is. She's happy I'm using the journals even if it's mostly bitching about having to journal and waxing poetic about how much I miss Steve. And I do...it's like the ache grows deeper every day. They say time is supposed to heal all wounds but this one just feels like it's getting bigger, wider, infected almost. Like my anger at Steve is poisoning it, poisoning everything.** _

_**I'm not allowed to see the team yet, which sucks. Chin apparently reached out while I was in the hospital and I'd love to talk to him, see him again, but I can't, not yet. Too many memories, too many potential triggers the doctor says, as if seeing Grace every day, having her drive me around in my new car, being on this pineapple infested HELL HOLE aren't all triggers anyway!** _

_**I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss... I miss Steve most of all and isn't that just pathetic because clearly, clearly, I didn't mean as much to him as he meant to me. All those times he came after me, it was just a job, just making sure I got back to Grace and Charlie. All the 'I love yous' were just platonic. I suspected, when he started dating Lynn that things were different for Steve than they were for me. Even with how physical he was, the way his thumb stroked my neck during that Valentine's date, god how many nights did I lie awake after that thinking about how good that felt? How many nights did I lie in bed, touch myself, get myself off thinking about the date being just the two of us, a romantic dinner on the beach, going back to our room afterwards and finally, finally, after all those years giving in, taking each other.** _

Danny shifted in his seat, reached down and adjusted himself because dammit if the image of Steve naked and stretched out above him, making love to him didn't still rev his engine.

_**I'm pathetic, still loving, still lusting after someone who never felt the same, never will feel the same. Maybe I should go out and get laid, find some guy who looks nothing like Steve to just plow me till I can't move. It doesn't have to be love, I don't need love, I need a palette cleanser or something. Get Steve outta my system for good.** _

_**Nahele's been in touch, he wants to start coming by, I'm not sure that's a good idea. He's a good kid, but he was Steve's kid you know, he could've been Steve's if Steve had just sacked up and adopted him, or even just applied for legal guardianship or something. Steve hurt Nahele as much as he's hurt anyone really. Leaving without saying good bye, not keeping in touch. At least Five-0 got a good bye, but Nahele, Kamekona, my kids, they didn't get that.** _

_**Steve just left and then -she- joined Steve on the plane. Wasn't that a kick in the head, Catherine showing up like that. Heading off to meet Steve. I wonder if he knew. I hope he didn't. If he did and didn't say anything I don't know how I'd handle it. I think, if Steve knew Catherine was going to be there, going to join him, it just might break me irrevocably, there'd be no going back. How could there be? The betrayal would be too big, too wide, too harsh.** _

_**I'm starting to get tired now, therapy and this journaling shit always exhausts me. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Who can say. Here's hoping it can't get worse.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to follow me over on Tumblr: RandoFando-Spoonie
> 
> As always comments/kudos aren't necessary but are appreciated, so much.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to follow me on Tumblr at RandoFando911
> 
> As always kudos and comments are welcome but not necessary.


End file.
